Tuesday, December 31, 2024
Year : 2, Issue: 18
by Rex Huppke
As America’s most beloved and always-right columnist, I am constitutionally required to provide you with my predictions for the new year.
Because I am an infallible prognosticator (see the “always-right” reference in the previous sentence), feel free to bet on the following things happening in 2025. You’re welcome, and Happy New Year.
Everything Donald Trump does is perfect, according to Donald Trump
The most certain of all the certain things that will certainly happen in 2025 is this: Donald Trump, as president, will do everything right. He will tell us this repeatedly. His first month in office will be the most historic first month in office ever and nobody will be able to believe his incredible success, according to him.
Any bad thing Trump does will either: A) Be fantastic, actually, according to Trump; or B) Be someone else’s fault entirely.
At various points in the year, Trump will tell us about a big, tough guy who approached him with tears in his eyes and told him how amazingly perfect he has been as president. And Trump himself will agree with that assessment. People suddenly realize JD Vance is vice president and faint en masse
On or shortly after the Jan. 20 presidential inauguration, millions of Americans will simultaneously gasp as they realize JD Vance is actually the vice president and, given Trump’s age, could wind up becoming president of the United States. Those gasping weren’t paying much attention during the campaign and thought the thing about Vance being VP was just a joke.
The sound waves from the collective gasp will cause mild structural damage to buildings across the country.
Taylor Swift unexpectedly enters her death metal phase
Hot off her career-defining Eras Tour, pop icon Taylor Swift will present fans with a sudden and drastic tonal shift, releasing an album of songs that fall into the aggressive subgenre of heavy metal known as “death metal.” RFK Jr. and raw milk usher in a banner year for natural selection
Once Trump puts anti-health non-expert Robert F. Kennedy Jr. in charge of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, natural selection will make an impressive comeback, weeding out those who listen to Kennedy’s advice and start drinking raw milk.
The basic mechanism of evolution will have an absolute field day as Kennedy’s anti-vaccine policies open the door for diseases like polio and measles to thin the American herd. Aaron Rodgers retires and ascends to a higher plane of insufferableness
New York Jets quarterback and “guy who thinks he’s smart but isn’t” Aaron Rodgers will retire from the NFL after a final losing season in which the ayahuasca trips he’s constantly talking about on podcasts didn’t seem to help him be good at football. Aaron Rodgers retires and ascends to a higher plane of insufferableness
New York Jets quarterback and “guy who thinks he’s smart but isn’t” Aaron Rodgers will retire from the NFL after a final losing season in which the ayahuasca trips he’s constantly talking about on podcasts didn’t seem to help him be good at football.
Though most “Make America Great Again” hats will be burned for warmth, the spirit of the MAGA faithful will be unbowed, and they will fill social media with posts about the patriotic joy of going hungry.
Billionaires quit the facade and start hunting poor people for sport
With billionaire Elon Musk effectively running the country, the entire U.S. billionaire community will feel emboldened. This confidence will lead them to abandon any pretense of normalcy and they will openly admit they are harvesting the blood of young people in a quest for eternal life. No longer needing to be discreet, the extremely wealthy will finally fulfill their dreams of hunting poor people for sport. The stock market will go both up and down and it will prove … things
The stock market will go up, and people will say it is a strong indicator of great things happening, while others will say it’s a mirage and things are actually terrible.
Then the market will go down, and some will cry while others shout, “I told you so!”
Then it will go back up again, and the billionaires – on a break from hunting humans – will chuckle at the middling non-billionaire people worrying about the silly stock market. America is tragically destroyed as Amazon drones rise up in revolt
In what most will consider a bit of a relief – thanks to Trump bungling everything up and Rodgers babbling on and all the death metal music – America will be wiped out by Amazon delivery drones.
Courtesy by USA TODAY
