by Rex Huppke
The current worst job in America is “Washington, DC, tourism official,” thanks to President Donald Trump’s recent decision to call the city “a nightmare of murder and crime” while sending National Guard troops in to eradicate “the tents, squalor, filth, and Crime.”
Those are direct quotes from the White House fact sheet on Trump’s memorandum ordering the mobilization of the District of Columbia National Guard “to address the epidemic of crime in our Nation’s capital.”
That epidemic does not exist, of course, but the words of the president tend to carry more weight than police data showing violent crime at a decades-long low.
How will DC tourism survive Trump calling the city a filthy hellhole?
So, who’s going to want to pack up the kids and spend a fun weekend in a place the president of the United States says “is under siege from out-of-control violent crime”?
Don’t worry, DC tourism officials, I’m here to help. Where some see a Trump-induced tourism disaster, I see a Trump-induced tourism disasterpportunity.
A helpful tourism pitch for DC under federal control
Here’s your new pitch to tourists:
Have you ever wanted to walk through a historic city filled with armed soldiers who look bored? Are you a World War II buff fascinated with how the Reichstag fire allowed the Nazi Party to consolidate control in Germany? Do you like seeing guns, guns and more guns?!?
Then DC is the family-friendly destination for your next vacation!
Don’t listen to “fake news” reports that make a federal takeover of the city police force sound scary. The various soldiers just add a new layer to Washington’s long-standing status as an educational destination rich in American history.
It’s something we’re calling “The District of Columbia’s Live Re-creation of the Authoritarian Experience!” And you’ll want to visit soon, because the event has a limited run time – we hope.
Take in the sights, all while enjoying America’s swift descent into tyranny!
Visitors can stroll the National Mall and other famous sites under the watchful eyes of uniformed soldiers, FBI agents and other federal authorities, all while appreciating America’s slow erosion of civil rights, the government’s rampant use of propaganda and the opportunistic silencing of political critics.
Parents will cherish the moments when they can turn to their children and exclaim: “Careful what you say, kids! They might arrest Mom and Dad and send us to an El Salvadoran prison if they think we sound like enemies of the state!”
Wait, this city doesn’t look like a lawless wasteland?
Oh, the memories you’ll create as you witness a city that isn’t actually covered in filth and wonder if the current administration is using the nation’s capital as a testing ground for an authoritarian takeover of other major American cities.
And because the soldiers having their lives upended so they can stand around in a city that has seen a 26% reduction in violent crime won’t be all that busy, you and the kids can ask them questions like “Why are you doing this?” and “Did you know you have the right to refuse an illegal order?” and “Why did you arrest that labradoodle, he was just peeing?”
Learning about authoritarianism has never been this fun!
The Live Re-creation of the Authoritarian Experience will also feature an array of informational sidewalk booths throughout the city, aimed at helping visitors understand everything from why their skin color makes them look deportable to how they can better pay homage to President Donald Trump. (MAGA merchandise will be sold at every booth, and a minimum $100 purchase is mandatory for each family!)
So clear some dates on your calendar and book a trip to beautiful Washington, DC. You know our motto: “Nothing says American freedom like an armed federal takeover based on a transparent lie!”
Author is a USA TODAY columnist.
