Rex Huppke
I had just finished wiring some money and personal information to a Nigerian prince living in exile when I heard the fabulous news that a brave coalition of centrist Democrats in the U.S. Senate agreed to end the government shutdown in exchange for virtually nothing.
“Huzzah!” I exclaimed. The Democratic Party is fresh off a wildly successful election, President Donald Trump’s approval ratings are dreadful and polling has shown the public blaming Republicans for the shutdown, with pressure on the GOP increasing by the day. For centrist Democrats like myself, it spelled a perfect time for unconditional surrender!
That, after all, is the moderate way. Democrats were demanding that congressional Republicans reinstate Affordable Care Act subsidies so millions of Americans don’t get priced out of health insurance in the coming year. But Republicans said no. What were moderate Democrats supposed to do? Fight for their constituents? That would’ve been terribly rude to their colleagues in the opposition party.
Moderate Democrats know how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory!
The “Moderate Democrat Rules of Engagement” specifically outline the following negotiating tactic:
Moderate Democrat ‒ “I would like you to please stop punching me in the face.”
Republican ‒ “No.”
Moderate Democrat ‒ “OK, I suppose a few more punches won’t hurt. Carry on.”
Health insurance for millions of Americans is at stake, so moderates shrug
In this specific case, GOP lawmakers and the president said, “We’re totally taking away people’s health insurance because we value billionaires over regular people.” And the moderate’s natural response was: “OK. We understand. Voters want us to do otherwise, and every available metric shows we’re winning the argument, but whatevs. Are there any other things we can give you as part of this negotiation?”
That’s a little thing we like to call compromise, folks. It’s something moderates like myself cling to because we’re 100% certain Republicans fully beholden to a president breaking every rule and norm in existence will soon become sane and start acting like principles mean something.
Yes, any day now we will have a return to normalcy, and this great institution we call the U.S. Senate will be a place of decorum and reasonableness. Nothing to worry about.
Folding Democrats get a GOP promise to vote on ACA subsidies. LOL!
And it’s not like the eight moderate Democratic senators walked away with nothing. They got a pinky promise that the GOP-led Senate will hold a vote on health insurance subsidies.
That’s what we moderate Democrats call “a real get.” Rather than stand firm and fight for Americans, we boldly folded like a house of cards and secured a sort of guarantee that Republicans might or might not hold a meaningless vote during which they’ll approve the harmful thing they’re presently telling us they’re going to approve.
VICTORY! When an opposing political party is offering up a daily cyclone of lies and appears to be following its leader straight into authoritarianism, everyone knows the best move is to give them an extra inch, confident they would never dare take a mile.
Trusting Republicans to do the right thing is the moderate Democrat way
As Democratic Sen. Jeanne Shaheen of New Hampshire told CNN on Nov. 10: “Hopefully, the Republicans may hear us.”
One day, those inspiring words will be etched in marble on a wall commemorating the guts these Democrats showed, unless Republicans don’t want that commemorative wall built, in which case moderate Democrats will side with them and vote against the wall in the interest of comity.
I hope all Americans will remember the names of the Senate’s noble moderates who stepped in at the moment everything was going the Democratic Party’s way, patriotically submarining a chance to help Americans. They are: Shaheen; Catherine Cortez Masto of Nevada; Jacky Rosen of Nevada; Maggie Hassan of New Hampshire; Dick Durbin of Illinois; Tim Kaine of Virginia; John Fetterman of Pennsylvania and Angus King of Maine, an independent who caucuses with the Democrats.
I’ll always recall where I was when these moderate senators bravely gazed into the steely eyes of the budding fascists in the Republican Party and said: “Well, you all seem reasonable, let’s get some stuff done! Hey, is that the prison where you’re locking up your political opponents? Cool! Can we check it out?”
