by Bill Cox
Jacob, a TV journalist for a regional station, was setting up the shot with Tommy, his cameraman, when Eris first approached him.
“I saw what happened,” she said.
“You saw the trampoline take off?” Jacob asked, giving her a quick look over as he did so, seeing if she was sufficiently telegenic for his report.
“Yes, the whole thing. It was awful.”
Jacob weighed her up. Local accent, but clear voice. Clean, well-dressed, nice features, not emotionally constipated. She would do.
So Eris made her television debut in Jacob’s report from the scene of the fair, where unexpectedly high winds had whipped an unsecured trampoline and its four juvenile occupants momentarily aloft. No major injuries unfortunately, so not reaching the tragedy level that would make the national news and so boost his profile, but better than nothing.
Two weeks later, arriving at the scene of a fire at a hospital two towns away, Jacob recognized Eris in the bystanders.
“I had an appointment at the eye clinic,” she explained. “I’d just arrived when the fire broke out.”
Remembering how well she’d come across in his previous report, Jacob decided to use her again. As before, she was a good witness, emotive and descriptive.
Jacob thought little of this coincidence until three weeks later, when he attended the motorway pile-up. He’d arrived a bit late on the scene and was setting up a favorable angle with his cameraman when he saw one of the national broadcasters interviewing Eris.
He listened in and heard her state, “Yes, I was driving along on the way to meet an old school chum when the tanker veered right across the road. I managed to brake in time but…”
All through the rest of the summer, Jacob would arrive at every significant tragedy or accident, murder scene or disturbance and Eris would already be there. Even when he wasn’t working, he would see her being interviewed on his TV screen. She was never directly involved or affected, but always close enough to witness. It turned out she was even a neighbor of the “Sofa Strangler,” the serial killer who was caught that summer. “He seemed like a nice man,” she opined.
Other journalists noticed her regular appearances on their screens. There was initially some suspicion that she was actively involved in these diverse tragedies, but a cursory glance at the facts showed the impossibility of this. It simply was all just a rather unlikely coincidence.
Word got around locally however and it was the town’s Mayor who first approached Eris, gifting her tickets to a theatre performance at the other side of town while his inauguration was taking place in the Town Hall. It was an astute move, as it turned out, as a hostage crisis broke out at the theatre just as Eris arrived. She was subsequently interviewed about it on live TV.
Local companies started approaching Eris with offers of free products if she would only stay away from their stores and offices. One less scrupulous businessman offered her money to attend the premises of his business rival and as Eris approached, the building was levelled by an engine that fell off a passing jet airplane.
Despite these unique earning opportunities, fame wasn’t kind to Eris. She now had the reputation as a jinx and was consequently shunned by all and sundry. She was unwelcome at any of the local shops, while people actively crossed to the opposite side of the street when they saw her coming. Friends deserted her and even her family would only talk to her by phone.
Jacob didn’t really believe that there was anything special about Eris. She didn’t have psychic powers, she wasn’t cursed. She was just unlucky, a statistical outlier, the victim of a series of coincidences, unlikely but not impossible. He knew though, that the public believed otherwise and ever alert to an opportunity to advance his career, he arranged to interview her in her home.
Eris, isolated and alone, jumped at the chance to both see a familiar face and explain herself to the public, to let them see she was just a normal person.
In her living room, with Jacob and his cameraman sitting opposite, she spoke to the viewers on the live broadcast.
“I’ve always been around when bad things happened. Sometimes they’re scary, sometimes just sad, but I always remember what my Mum told me, after our Headmaster had jumped off the school roof. ‘Inside every cloud, there’s a silver lining’. And she was right! The new Headmaster was so much better, so much friendlier. All these things I witness, I know that they’re sad for a lot of people. But I have to believe these events also change some people’s lives for the better. Even the asteroid that killed all the Dinosaurs, well, that was good for people, wasn’t it?”
“I feel so alone now,” she continued. “My family won’t visit, my friends have abandoned me. Even my neighbors all complained to the Council, calling me an Environmental Health hazard. They’ve all been re-housed! All the neighboring properties are empty!”
Eris spoke with such feeling that her heartfelt words broke through Jacob’s cynical veneer and for a moment or two he wasn’t even bothered about the ratings.
“I feel so sad,” Eris said, “I honestly just wish the earth would open and swallow me up.”
And just like that, it did.
Seismologists subsequently measured the earthquake as a whopping 8.5 on the Richter scale, its epicenter being a half-mile under Eris’s house. The city was devastated and Jacob’s life and more importantly, his career, were brought to a premature end.
The nature and timing of the last words of Eris Fortuna were widely discussed, but eventually dismissed as an amazingly unlikely but ultimately statistically acceptable coincidence.
Nevertheless, an alternate view might be encapsulated in the wise words of that great philosopher and sometime Baseball player, Yogi Berra: “That’s too coincidental to be a coincidence.”
