by Rex Huppke
Hello, fellow patriots. All of us at President Donald Trump’s White House want you to know we have heard your concerns about the Jeffrey Epstein case and would very much like to LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU, THERE’S A ZOMBIE!!
Oops. Sorry, we could’ve sworn there was a zombie.
Anyway, we understand that many Americans – 89% according to a CBS News poll we have labeled “fake” – would like the Department of Justice to release all information on the case of the convicted sex offender whom President Trump thinks only weaklings care about.
Trump hears your concerns, but thinks you should move on from Epstein
We hear you, we share your concerns, and we were wondering if, instead, we might interest you in some files on Martin Luther King Jr.? We released a bunch of those on July 21, and you’ll definitely enjoy paging through the documents while forgetting what you originally wanted us to release.
Also, have you considered taking a very long nap? You look tired.
Perhaps after your nap, you could think a lot about former President Barack Obama, who probably committed treason several times. Here’s an AI-generated video of him getting arrested. We hope that fuels your pleasure centers and makes you forget everything else that has transpired over the past several weeks, particularly Attorney General Pam Bondi’s announcement that there is no Epstein client list and that the case is closed.
President Trump is NOT trying to change the subject
We have read some rude, fake news headlines suggesting President Trump is trying everything possible to change the subject away from a man he had a yearslong friendship with, who died in jail awaiting trial on sex trafficking charges.
Hey, remember Benghazi? You should think about that city in Libya a lot. Also, Bondi on July 21 released “information relating to former-FBI Director James Comey’s failed investigation into Hillary Clinton’s mishandling of highly classified information during her tenure as Secretary of State.” So that should keep you occupied for a bit, right?
And that’s just the start of Stuff We’re Definitely Not Releasing To Distract You From The Jeffrey Epstein Files Month!
Here are files on other conspiracies that we offer to you for no reason
You won’t want to spend a minute thinking about notorious child sex-trafficking scandals involving powerful elites while you’re browsing our upcoming release of all Area 51 files relating to aliens and UFOs! The truth isn’t out there – it’s right here!
Have you long suspected the condensation trails behind jets are actually “chemtrails” the government uses for mind control? We’ll show you everything we have that disproves that, and then we’ll encourage you to breathe in deeply when you see high-flying aircraft, because we’re definitely not exposing you to a bio agent that will make you forget the name “Jeffrey Epstein.”
Forget Epstein. We can tell you Elvis has not left the building …
You’re about to learn so many secrets, you won’t even suspect the president doesn’t want you to see the RUN THERE’S A CHUPACABRA ABOUT TO ATTACK YOU!!
Oh, shoot, we were mistaken again. What were we talking about? Definitely not Jeffrey Epstein.
