Tuesday, December 3, 2024
Year : 2, Issue: 14
by Moshe Hauer
Years ago, when I served as a congregational rabbi in Baltimore, I had the sad duty of burying a dear friend and wonderful congregant, Darrell Zaslow. Darrell lived with unbounded energy, brilliance, curiosity, creativity, generosity and personal warmth until a brain tumor brought his life to a sudden end. His death came on the heels of the tragic passing of his similarly gifted brother, bestselling author Jeffrey Zaslow, who had been killed in a car accident.
Leaving Darrell’s funeral service, I stopped to speak with his mother, Naomi, who – in addition to losing two remarkable sons – had recently lost her beloved husband of 70 years, Harry. I don’t remember exactly what I said to her, but it was something along the lines of, “What can I possibly say?” Her wise response was a gift of perspective for which I remain grateful:
“Rabbi, I am not thinking about what I have lost. I am thinking about what I had.”
In our profoundly imperfect lives, in a world in which so much depends on forces totally beyond our control, we indeed remain in full command of our perspective. We get to make the critical choice of whether to focus on what we had or what we have lost – on what we have versus what we are missing. We decide whether to live with gratitude or grievance, and that decision will immeasurably impact our lives.
But gratitude is not just a state of mind – it’s also a major contributor to our mental and physical health. From improving our sleep, mood and immunity to decreasing depression, anxiety, difficulties with chronic pain and risk of disease, a little gratitude can go a long way. Feeling grateful has even been shown to help people live longer.
Focusing on what we have is also critical to our relationships. A classic Talmudic teaching in the Ethics of Our Fathers encourages the pursuit of strong mentors and good friends, and it reminds us that if we want those relationships to last, we must be in the habit of viewing others positively and granting them the benefit of the doubt. When we choose instead to be critical and to focus on our inevitable grievances, we exchange relationships for isolation.
The celebration of Thanksgiving offers us the opportunity to reclaim control of this essential choice – for this day and for each day beyond it.
Jewish prayer is structured such that, following our laundry list of requests, we conclude with an expression of gratitude to God for “Your miracles that accompany us each day and Your constant wonders and kindness.” No matter what we need, we give thanks for what we have. In Thanksgiving terms, after seeking out any number of Black Friday deals, we stop and appreciate the many things and people we already have in our lives.
During this challenging time of increased loneliness and extreme polarization, with relationships strained by political and ideological differences, 1 in 3 American adults say they feel lonely to some degree. So we should be thankful for and hold on tight to the people in our lives who care about us.
But let’s not limit this to one day a year. Amid all the uncertainty in the world, we can instead use this Thanksgiving to try to build more awareness of gratitude into our daily lives, to focus on what we have rather than what we are missing and to commit to not wait until next year to express our appreciation for the gift of each other.
We can develop the habit of expressing gratitude each day – whether during times of prayer, mealtimes or when we awaken or go to bed. And we can let the people in our lives – our family, friends and colleagues – know that we appreciate having them in our lives.
A perspective of gratitude is a gift to ourselves and to everyone around us.
Courtesy by U.S. NEWS
